so some people on kazaa stupidly put their whole hard drives online. I decided to search for "doc" and read people's high school essays. instead, i found some poor depressed fool's poetry. it was kind of disturbing. the entries are dated.

*****************

Why Me?
July 2000

i look around
all their smiling faces
i wish that was me
but i don�t think that will happen

i feel like i don�t belong
like i�m not supposed to be here
not in this place
but in this world as a whole

the only emotion i feel
is worthlessness
like i�m a waste
getting in the way

everyone around me seems so happy
why can�t i be that way?
what is wrong with me
i�m suck a freak

-------

The Angel Down The Street
10.09.2000

i wonder
should i say anything at all?
why even open my mouth!
she doesn�t want to listen
or need to listen for that matter
seems so happy...
why mess with something like me?
the embodiment of negativity
bitter blood
cold black heart
empty stare
skin like winter
but she seems to wonder too
might be more of wanting to know how it works
but it�s a little attention
and who knows,
she might really be true
of those that have come before
all are the same
but i can feel something
maybe it�s in my head
but i can�t be for sure
unless i open myself up
so here we go
a step out the door
foot on the pavement
on my way
to meet the angel
down the street

---
A Simple Question
1.16.2k1

theres something i dont get
something i dont see
out of all the others you coulda had
you chose a freak like me

the line to get a chance with you
stretched on for miles
thought itd be a waste of my time
to even try
so i blindly stumbled around
in a world that only i could see
occasionally running into you
remembering every second there
and every word said

for you, i was just another
cast me away without a second thought
didnt remember my presence
but thats alright
my names Insignificant

tried to soak up every bit of your radiance
but it was hard to get
you were so far away
not sure how it happened
or even why
but you spoke to me
probably saw me out of a sympathetic eye
and now look what youve done
youre stuck with me

no matter how hard i try
cant lift you high enough
that pedestal ive placed you on
well the stars, theyre just too low
up in the heavens,
that where you should go
and maybe someday
ill be worth enough
to stand up there with you

--
Killing Trust And Relationships
06.20.2k1

now where�s that gun?
who took my razor blades?
all the needles are gone
should have saved them
all the trust is dead

self-confidence was on the climb
love was all over
the two of us were inseparable
then i broke the rules
sheathed all i had with disgrace

left with a nauseated feeling
holding my black heart in my hand
standing with a broken will
knowing i cant trust myself
i�m best at destroying

---

My Arsenal
no date

first in line
the hollow needle
it sparkles in the low light
glistening wet from what�s held within

slowly i push it in
make a dimple in my skin
breaking the surface
makes me wince with erotic joy

its contents emptied
in a few seconds
a quick shot
to kill the pain

i pull it out
watch the bead of blood form
make a fist
it quickens the flow

try it again
to test the effects
jam it in, break it off
grin because i feel no pain

next comes the blade
sharpest of all
i see myself in it
what a pathetic little soul

drag it on my arms
watch the red line follow my every move
like a twisted game of follow the leader
one that i get to control

soon i feel the warmth
as a crimson blanket
covers my arms and hands
all i can do is smile

�this is fun�
i think to myself
�i should try this more often�
i say as the game continues

the blade serves me well
follows every command
it never questions my move
always obedient and true


finally, the best for last
the simple revolver
waiting for its orders
ready for use at any moment

i pick it up
cold to the touch
icy, like the grip of death
i know it�s dying to kill

i look down the tunnel-like barrel
black is all i see
but it�s what i expected
there won�t be one of light for me

i load my gun
five bullets is all it takes
i fumble with the them
for my hands have become numb

i put the barrel to my knee
pull the trigger
start the fun
a laugh escapes my lips

once more to my other leg
and twice for my arms
i look around
and laugh one more time

the walls are covered
a sheet of blood coats their white
bits of skin and flesh
plastered on the walls and floor

i look at the mess
but then i think
it�s not my problem
i don�t have to clean it up!

the gun has one last job
to finish me off
remove me from the misery
and let me escape

i place the bloody barrel
up to my temple
smile and say good bye
then turn the lights out

i feel my eyes roll back into my head
the loud noise, now dead like me
i�m finally at rest here on my bed
i�d like to see you wake me up now, Mom!

i downloaded a bunch of shit from this one guy on kazaa who i was getting amazing transfer rates from. he had about 30 pre-release bootlegs of upcoming albums. i started off slow then the downloading frenzy was on. in the end, i got 2 gigs worth of shit. in my haste to plunder his hard drive, i failed to carefully check the integrity of the files. half of them were dummy files with songs looped in 30 sec intervals. who the fuck takes the time to make 2 gigs worth of phony files? well, not all of them were phony, i managed to get about 700 megs of viable music including the new jurassic 5, the nas b side release, and the new seether.

damn my head hurts. the days are getting shorter and the nights are long and unfulfilling.

a cab driver once said men tend to get less frisky in the sack during the wintertime.

when did i become addicted to uppers?

the yankees lost and i'm glad.

the giants won and i'm glad.

none of you will ever know the origins of this picture.

i saw this really great auction on eBay.

fun with photoshop







actually, it wasn't that fun.